A look back...

*WARNING*

 Long post ahead!  May be too raw for some readers.  Loss mentioned.

Well, as many of you either know, or have read, I am currently on my third surrogacy journey.  I have already posted about my second journey (9 months ago today...), so today I thought we would go even further back in time to my first journey....

I first had the thought of being a surrogate around the year 2000.  I only entertained the idea for a very little bit because I wasn't ready to really delve into this until my family was complete.  Well, I had my last baby in 2002, but wasn't completely sure if I was done having children of my own.  Then, in 2007, Tony and I very heavily considered adding to our family.  We even went as far as trying to plan where the new little one would reside (at our home, of course, but where in this tiny 3 bedroom would a baby fit? LOL),  potential names, and I even (very prematurely) started picking out baby bedding.  After lots of consideration and thought and deep soul searching, we decided that our family of four was the perfect size for us.  But, then it hit me..... WAIT, I'm not done being pregnant!

Those are two weird thoughts to think simultaneously!

I quickly remembered about surrogacy and wondered if this was really something that was possible.  Up until this point I had NO IDEA what surrogacy was all about.  I just knew that I could potentially carry a pregnancy that was not biologically mine and help another family be complete.  But, I had no clue where to start or who to talk to or what was required to do this.  I was L.O.S.T. ...and, no, Dr. Jack Shepard couldn't help me with this one!  (That was for all you "Lost" fans out there. And boy, if you thought that show was confusing, try figuring out all this surrogacy stuff!)

So, after some researching, I found a clinic that I chose to work with. 

And I will stop right here and admit wholeheartedly that I did not do enough research!  Not all companies are as impressive as their websites.  I will just leave it at that for now and you will understand what I am talking about by the end of this (what promises to be) very long post. (Actually, after looking back, there would be no way of knowing what would come to be with this agency.)

Ok, so to continue....  I signed up with an agency named SurroGenesis based out of California.  They had a branch in Texas and I was assigned to my case coordinator, Ann Robinson.  After signing with them in May 2007, I was told a few months later that I had a set of IPs interested in my profile.  Then, in August 2007, I was matched with IPs for my very first surrogacy journey.  I WAS ECSTATIC! 

I will call this Baby "W" Journey.

Ok, I am going to try to keep this as concise as possible.  (Yeah right!)

My IPs were located in Missouri, and because I was in Texas, we worked with a clinic in Dallas.  After the looooong, drawn out process that precedes the "fun" stuff was completed, we were finally ready for transfer in February 2008 (OMG....it was actually EXACTLY 3 years ago today...weird!).  Ok, so on Feb 8, 2008, we transferred two baby embryos.  Now it was time for the 2WW...ugh.  And this was my very first 2WW!  I had no idea how slowly 2 weeks could go by!

Now the beta.

BFN.  Ugh.

So, onward and upward. 

We went through all the meds again.  All the waiting, the tests, the injections, the egg retrieval... Then time for transfer day.  At the clinic we were informed that the embryos were not good quality and it was recommended by the RE that we transfer 3 embryos.  Oh my! Three?!  Now, let me just say that this is not usually recommended and actually it is pretty frowned upon if done haphazardly.  But, the RE was letting us know that there was not the greatest of chances that these embies would implant.  They just didn't look that good.  So, we consented and we signed the required forms to have 3 embies transferred.  Then, more waiting....the transfer, the bed rest, the 2WW (which this time was actually only 9 days), then the beta.  And this time?.....

BFP!!!

OMG.  Then we get the beta results.  325!  Are you freaking kidding me!  If you look at beta charts, you see that this number (9dp4dt or 13dpo...this is for my fellow surros that read the blog) is very high.  In fact, it is a normal beta number consistent for triplets.  Holy crap batman!

We then have repeat betas done and the numbers continue to rise.  On to the ultrasound.  Hold your breath....  Is it one?  Two?  Three? 

It's ONE!  One flickering beautiful heartbeat.  And....my IPs were able to fly in from Missouri for this u/s and witness their baby's beating heart with their own eyes and ears.  We were, however, completely shocked that there was only one baby.  We were completely convinced that there were twins in there!

We all left the clinic so in awe.  Words cannot express!  (Let me add that we left very relieved, also, because I had had lots of bleeding this time too.  So, we went in mentally prepared for bad news.)

So, from then on, the pregnancy continues as normal.  I made it to the 2nd trimester- the "safe zone"- and we were all breathing a sigh of relief.  The second trimester is when lots of people finally start sharing the news of their pregnancy.  Once you get to the second trimester, you are kind of over the "hump" of the threat of m/c, etc.  So, at 13 weeks (some doctors say 14 weeks) when I hit that "safe" mark, my IPs decided to start sharing the good news.  My IM had 2 young children from a previous marriage and decided to finally let them know that they were going to be a Big Sister and a Big Brother.  They were so excited!

Then, the next day I went in for my scheduled 14 week check up (I was technically 13 weeks 5 days).  I let my IPs know that I would call them right after the appointment, like I always did.  So, I go in for my check up and my OB goes to perform an ultrasound.  After a few seconds, I could see it in her face.

No heartbeat.

I lost the baby.  Second trimester.  I lost the baby.  The day after they told their family and friends.  I lost the baby.  Their baby.  Gone.  According to the doctor, gone within the last 24 hours.  Failure.  Six weeks and two days before we were scheduled to find out the baby's gender.  I lost the baby.  July 7, 2008.  Miscarried.  Devastated.  Dr. C, can you call the parents?  Crushed. To the hospital.  Meds started that night, procedure the next morning.  Four day hospital stay due to complications.  On the labor and delivery floor.  Hearing babies crying and mothers laboring.  No baby.  New doctor.  I'm now a pin cushion.  His lab rat.  Four days, around the clock, unnecessary tests on my heart.  Stupid doctor, he is keeping me here as a hostage.  I want to go home, my heart is fine.  I need to grieve.  Alone.  My poor IPs.  No baby.

Guilt sets in.  Guilt about losing the baby.  Guilt for grieving for a child that wasn't mine.  Is that ok?  Can I grieve the child like it's parents are grieving?  I don't know.  Still I grieve.  Still I feel guilty.

July passes.  August passes.  There goes September.  It's a blur.  No one understands.  I feel empty.  I feel angry.  No one understands.  I am alone.  The world moves and I stand still.  I am still.

"It wasn't your baby.  Why are you so upset?"

Stupid questions.

October.  Emails from the IPs are fewer and farther between. 

October 8, 2008.  Email from my IM.  They aren't moving forward with surrogacy.  They need their money out of the trust account.  Our contract is rendered null and void.  They just can't do it again.  They are so thankful for what I have done and apologize.  They need to move on.  They treasure my friendship and appreciate everything I have done for them.  They sold their house.  They are moving.  They are sad.

Oct 22, 2008.  IM forwards me an email conversation between her and Ann (agency).  They can't get the agency to give them their money.  My IPs are getting the run around.  Big time.  Stupid agency.  Stupid trust account... Michael Charles Trust Agency (or whatever the name of the company is).  Whatever.

Just give my IPs their money.  They don't get to have their baby, at least give them their thousands of dollars that is in their trust.  They just want their money so they can move on. 

IM says the surrogacy agency and trust agency won't give them their money.  Agency says it's the trust agency's fault.  Wait, now they say it's my fault.  IM is confused and wants her money.  I am confused.  I want to move on.  Agency now blames the IPs.  Whatever.  Just give them their money.  It's been two months.

November.  My IM and I email a couple of times.  Very hard to know what to say.  They have found a rental house.  They are busy moving.  Again.

November.  I find Gayle.  My shining light.  My new agency.  Surrogate Solutions.  I am moving on.  I am getting new IPs.  I want to do this.  I love Gayle.  She is honest.  Trustworthy.  A real agency.

January.  The baby's due date.  It passes.  No baby.  I would no longer be pregnant.  I can now move on, emotionally.  I'm doing so much better.

April.  I email to say hello to my IM in Missouri.  Hoping they are ok.  Hoping they are healing and moving on.  She responds with warm greetings.  Then....  They are in a class action lawsuit with the agency, SurroGenesis.  They stole her money.  All of it.  The owner, Tonya Collins, our case coordinator Ann Robinson, and the Michael Charles Trust.  They took it.  Their money.  Thousands.  All of it.  Gone.  Other IPs too.  They took their money too.  Millions.  $2.5 million to be exact.  Gone.  Crooks.  Stupid crooks.  These people trusted you.  All they wanted was a baby.  Jerks!



Present day.  I have moved on.  I remember, it's not forgottten.  I haven't heard from my first set of IPs since that email in April 2009.  My hope, my wish, my prayer is that they too have moved on.  Not forgotten, just moved on.  I hope they are able to pursue adoption like they had once considered.  I hope they have peace.  I hope they have joy.  I hope they get their money.  Not likely, but I hope.  I miss them.  I miss their friendship. 

I wish they were dealing with the "terrible twos" right now. 
Their baby was due Jan 11, 2009. 

I hope they have peace. 

I have peace.



Links about the SurroGenesis scandal:
http://abclocal.go.com/kfsn/story?section=news/consumer&id=6790514

http://www.lawyersandsettlements.com/case/surrogenesis-usa-class-action-surrogenesis-breach-of.html

http://www.scribd.com/doc/14806312/Class-action-lawsuit-in-California-in-SurroGenesis-scandal